TR2008 - Mog Wars Ch. II - Attack of the Clowns

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TR2008 - Mog Wars Ch. II - Attack of the Clowns

. . . a great adventure continues . . .

Sorry, couldn鈥檛 think of a better title, just trying to be cute with the Star Wars theme.

I had never eaten at the Carnegie Deli before, and looking at the menu, I could see why. $35 sandwiches? WTF? Then I caught a glimpse of one . . . holy cow. The last time I saw a meal that big, it had a tail on it and was being boiled in a pot in a remote Peruvian village.

Zoinks.

I settled on a grilled ham and cheese and a side of fries and then sauntered over to an open booth in the Mirage race book. The sandwich was appropriately goopy, but full of nice salty flavor and just the thing my stomach needed. I figure something like that has to put a good varnish coat on the stomach lining for at least six hours. Add a few handfuls of French fries and I was sufficiently fed and ready to bet on some future glue factory inductees.

I think I鈥檝e given up trying to pose as some sort of pony guru. To be honest, I鈥檝e had my best luck when just picking random numbers. Plus, that鈥檚 what Whale Jo does and it seems to work out for him.

Unfortunately, this time, I pressed my luck a little too much. Sure, 50-1 shots do hit on occasion. But note to self: NOT ON EVERY RACE. AND THEY CERTAINLY DO NOT COME IN 1-2 WITH THE 75-1 HORSE ON EVERY RACE. THERE IS A REASON THE HORSE IS AT 50-1 鈥?IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS JUST PULLED OFF A 24-SHIFT ON THE FREAKIN鈥?DONKEY RIDE AT THE BOOMSTIX COUNTY FAIR.

Oh well, you only live once right? Needless to say, the $2.35 I won on one ticket did not cover the losses I sustained. In between races, I did manage to drop some cash on college basketball 鈥?Arizona minus the points. I gave a bunch of other sure-fire bets to Whale Jo and he turned them into a lot of heavy money parlays. I, on the other hand, failed to bet my own picks. We鈥檒l see later on in this story how that turns out.

With lunch and ponies completed, it was high time for a taste of the tables. The group dispersed throughout the casino 鈥?not because we were hell-bent on any particular strategy 鈥?rather, I think we were all drunk and couldn鈥檛 remember what each other looked like so we got lost . . .

I dimly remember stumbling around trying to decide between the Big Money Wheel and Let it Ride. During trips back and forth between the two, I caught glimpses of Whale Jo slipping into the high limit longue, thankfully he had a wry smile on his face. Good, I thought, he must be hitting it. Pretty soon, after a bet here, bet there, I had lost my profits from earlier and decided to seek out a kind black jack table on which to lay my weary wallet.

I saw a few of the boyz hunched at a $25 table in a corner near the poker room and video poker bar. Some really spent, tired, gentle old giant of a woman was dealing. I think her name was Zora . . . . yes, it was Zora. She had some funny accent and I imagine in her day she could rip an unsuspecting lad in two. However, now her lot is to spend her time dealing to obnoxious, unappreciative half-cocked gents like me. Funny enough, ole Whale Jo happened upon the table around the same time. He tried sweet talking Zora, but she took quite an affront to this. I swear I could see tiny silver sparks shooting in her eyeballs as she dealt out the cards . . . .

Ouch. Zora was in no mood to play. I hemorrhaged money and felt dirty too. A bad combo. I believe the other boys were not fairing as well either. I suppose you could draw a direct link between starting on the booze at 6 a.m. to the predicament many of us found ourselves in . . . but that would be too much self-honesty now, wouldn鈥檛 it. Thankfully, memories of past black jack chip genocides remain locked firmly in my brain and I was able to force myself up from the table and head up to the PH suite. It was time to clean myself up and get ready for the evening.

I鈥檓 not a bath dude, so as long as a place has a rippin鈥?shower, I鈥檓 happy. The Mirage PH shower did not disappoint. Full on max psi, just enough to scrape off the early grime and dirt of the afternoon gaming session, not enough to dislodge any skin from muscle.. Bath products? I dunno 鈥?a bunch of stuff in triangle shaped boxes that I couldn鈥檛 open easily so I threw them against the wall . . . several times.

After cleaning up, I put on some fresh new duds, including some lucky silk pants, and headed back out the door. We had a little time before we needed to head over to the Wynn and SW Steakhouse 鈥?something I was really looking forward to. Not only was I anxious to try some of the highest priced dead cow in town, but I also remembered a torrid love affair I had had with a $5 VP machine at the Wynn on my trip last June. I hoped she remembered me . . . I sure couldn鈥檛 get her out of my mind.

I skipped around various machines at the Mirage 鈥?all the while wishing I was strapped into Top Gun 鈥?but I didn鈥檛 want to overindulge the machine and give it the wrong idea. Plus, I had to give a couple of old friends at the VP bar a spin. They wanted nothing to do with me. Fine, take my money biatch. Slap.

The boys all finally congregated in the Mirage casino and we were good to go to the Wynn. A short cab ride later and I was striding into the Wynn like I frickin鈥?owned it. In hindsight, perhaps that was a mistake.

As we walked into the casino, we realized that, unfortunately, we had not left enough time before our reservation to allow for gaming, so we needed to proceed directly to SW.

We ushered ourselves up to the checkin desk and were told our seats would be ready immediately.

Fifteen minutes later we were still waiting . . .

WTF? If it鈥檚 going to be a wait, someone needs to let me freakin鈥?know! My time is precious in Vegas and I need to gamble with every spare moment available. If I wanted to spend my extra time sipping on a $15 cocktail, eating nuts coated in flavored mud crust, I could have stayed flippin鈥?home.

But . . . I relaxed, I was in Vegas after all, so who really cares about time. I tried to let this pass. In the end, it would all be good.

But then we walked into the restaurant.

Um, Mr. Wynn, what drug-induced over-priced Madison Avenue design firm did you hire for this place? Krap and A$$-ociates? Dude, it was like walking into a cross between some stupid buffet and a government cafeteria. OK, I get that places can be crowded 鈥?I really do. But when you are a freakin鈥?high end, supposed top of the food chain restaurant, cramming the peeps into a space that鈥檚 no bigger than some super-mall DMV office is just wrong. One should be able to walk with some serenity between tables. Uh-uh, not at SW. Look, I鈥檒l admit I鈥檓 certainly not the smallest tree in the forest, but this place made me feel like a freaking super sized redwood. A regular sized male should, in an upscale restaurant, heck, even in a regular scale restaurant, be able to fit nicely between tables with little to no effort . . . but not here. Maybe that鈥檚 supposed to be part of the experience 鈥?getting head-cocked by strangers, literally. Ooops, excuse me ma鈥檃m, didn鈥檛 mean to put the package in your face . . .

Anyway, I hadn鈥檛 tasted the food yet, so, again, I let the design and d茅cor issues wash away.

We sat down and waited. Soon, I believe three or four or five different servers came to our table 鈥?I鈥檓 not sure who was in charge. I think eventually they just left us with some cute girl who didn鈥檛 quite belong as a waiter in that place.

First up, appetizers. We ordered some sort of seafood platter. This was good 鈥?very fresh.

I should have stopped right there.

Up next was salad. For me, nothing says steakhouse than a perfect Caesar. I did not get that at SW. Whoever made my Caesar there should be brought up on charges of first degree saladcide. Since when did it become OK to make a salad with more parts dressing than salad? Really? This is supposed to be good? I swear I could hear the anchovies crying. Sorry little guys.

I definitely should have stopped right there.

Instead, I had the great pleasure of being served one of the most disappointing cuts of meat EVER. Forget the piece of dog shank I got at Golden Steer last year 鈥?this thing they served me was a joke. I will admit I had set up expectations quite high 鈥?really 鈥?I mean I wanted this steak to be so good that I could cut open a slit on the side and French kiss the juices out of it. I wanted to LOVE the steak. I wished it would be so good that I would have to right then and there declare my undying love and book a honeymoon suite . . . .

Nope.

I got burned. In fact, I just realized I鈥檓 not over this at all and I can鈥檛 continue to write about it or I will punch out my computer. Lights out.

To be continued.

TR2008 - Mog Wars Ch. II - Attack of the Clowns

very interesting jaco!!!!

is this gonna be made into an after school special or direct to dvd movie????

no , probably not .....GO BIG TIME!!!!

sell this bad boy off to someone and make it a big hollywood show!!!!

waiting for the next segment!!

Your TR%26#39;s are the bestest ever - I bow to the master......

I know you just did not leave us hanging again.

I have been reading a lot of trip reports, first I was learning about vegas, now I read them to relive my trip.

But this is by far the best writing I have ever seen, besides reading a novel.

If you are not a novelist, you should be one.

I am truly enjoying this,

But dude, don%26#39;t leave us hanging like this. LOL

Your dining experience was disappointing. Sorry!

It sounds like the credit card commercial, where you have to go fill up on snacks after an ';expensive dinner.';

Your trip report, however, is PRICELESS!

To be continued.

What?? To be continued-when?? Don%26#39;t stop now! Keep it coming! I stayed up past my bedtime to read this!

wonderful work, as always.

Looking forward to the next installment, my friend..

What they said!

Actually you caught me speechless and that%26#39;s quite a feat!

More More!

brill what can i say, we adore you!

hope the next instalment comes soon

hurry

debbie

Wow....fantastic

However I now cannot get the image of what I think you look like %26#39;french kissing a piece of meat%26#39;....out of my mind....that is going to stay with me a while.

Keep it coming oh most talented one.......!

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